i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
