ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
