I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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