If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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