If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
