1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
