tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
