i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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