Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
