he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
