my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
