Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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