I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
