I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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