think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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