I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
