i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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