I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
