she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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