she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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