he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
