pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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