Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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