i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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