this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
