I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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