I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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