the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
