And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
