he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
