I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
