I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
