like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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