I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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