White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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