i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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