my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
