You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
