I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
