Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
