Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
