my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
