i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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