you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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