listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
