I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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