it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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