last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
