So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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