i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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