you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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