i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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