yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
