Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
