We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
