loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
are you so shy because you have an std?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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