I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
