So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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