Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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