I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I think i got beer on your cat.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
