My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
