They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
