i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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