We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
