i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
