Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
