I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
