My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
