I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
