Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
