I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
