I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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